Forever young.

soundtracks to my soul ♥

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e-mail: zhafhiey@hotmail.com
MSN: ixixy@hotmail.com

MIYAVI, my hero.
He changed my life, he cleaned me up, he found my heart like only HE can. He made me discover myself, he's my drive, my inspiration, my voice, my soul, my song, my heart, my hero. ♥ I don't think I can ever have built a passion and found a dream if I had never found him. He makes my day each time, and every song he has written is etched in my mind, my heart and my soul. I am very protective of this man because I don't like people making fun of whoever it is that has left an impact in my life. He is all I need right now to keep me going to achieve my dreams. And don't be jealous that a guy in magenta nail polish can get more chicks than you.

GERARD WAY, the first.

He is undeniably an awesome person with a wonderful personality. He is always all-smiles and not forgetting he has a lovely smile. Whoever fails to love this man fails so much, because they are definitely blind. I knew him before I knew Miyavi, and he did the first few jobs to straightening my life out before handing it all over to him. He got married to someone else already, but I am happy for him, of course I am (: He has been the bestest there is for the past 2 years I was obsessed over him.

BILL KAULITZ, my porcupine.
Bill makes awesome music and he, although young, is very talented and expressive. Miyavi is more expressive than he is, but hey! Bill just turned 19, and he definitely has a long way to go. He earned success through hard work and diligence, and for that, I love him to bits. He hasn't really done anything to change my life, but he's wonderful nonetheless. And yes, it's a he. A guy who happens to have long hair so you people think he's a girl. A guy whose face is effeminate and prettier than all you other guys out there. You're just jealous that a guy in black nailpolish can earn more chicks than you, just like Miyavi.

WILLIAM BECKETT, my laughing gas.

He's cute, I know. He's funny, even more. He's tall, has a great smile, wonderful personality, great sense of humor, wonderful singing voice, he's so... wow. I am not in love with him, but I pretty much look up to him and his group of friends, which includes oddities like Chislett, Mike Carden, Sisky and The Butcher to always make me feel better on days I'm feeling quite blue. They never fail to slap a smile onto my face because they are awesome and funny like that. Whoever has not seen these guys in action, but go and watch them ASAP because they. are. the. shiz. Great humourous bunch of people, who make awesome music as well. Who can't possibly love them!?

JOE JONAS, satisfaction
People who know me well, know damn well I do not like this guy. I don't even like him now, I'm just in this for the thrill. So yea, I don't hate him as much as I used to, but I don't like him much either. But, I'll have you know he's a damn good kisser and I should know, yes, I should know. And his saliva tastes like cherry/mint. No, don't even ask. Oooo, scandalous. And I just thought that after everything that happened, he deserved at least a mention for satisfying my lust.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Sorry if this is a long post. I was contemplating.

I've met many people in my life. Many of which has impacted me in a way. But isn't it just pitiful that there are a few among those who I have met who do not mind ending their life? Because of something so small, so little?

I get sad really, seeing people like this. People going all "I want to die right now. I wish a hole would just suck me in so that I can never return" and whatnot. There are so many other people out there who want to live their lives to the fullest, who WANT to live but are not given the chance, and here you are, telling all of us that you wish to die. I don't understand. I really don't. Is that particular thing you went through really that bad to the extent you need to die? What about those who love you? Those around you?

Me, as a sister and as a daughter and a friend, has gone through situations that makes me feel as though I've lost hope. That incident last 2 years broke me down so hard. I had to go through it for 16 months, 16 MONTHS. I could have committed suicide to hide my face from all the shame, from all the sadness. But I held my fucking head high. I rose above all and took this opportunity to try and change my life around, to make the people around me realise that I am not a loser. That no matter what happens, I shall stay strong. And I did it. I managed to get through it.

I wasn't the one going through the incident alone. My whole family was. And the one that went through everything beforehand, was my hero. My father. But we all felt the pain. If he can think so positively about that situation, why can't you people? As much as he was suffering, he was happy. He was too nice a person, I have to admit. But he gave us hope. He told us this was not forever. Where could he possibly hide his face? It's everywhere. He could have been like you. Lose all hope, not willing to live anymore and SHIT LIKE THAT. But no, he didn't. From that moment on, he used every opportunity to put his life back on track. He taught music lessons, picked the guitar back up with pride and started his career all over again.

He had the world ahead of him. Tons of chances waiting for him to grab. And he knew that behind all this mess lies dreams and hope, and above all, a family supporting him. Everyone trusted him, no one gave up on him.

I am proud... really... I am proud that I have him as my father. We suffered yes, as a family. And we overcame it together too. I have to thank him for everything I am now. For being the positive person that I am. I am always ready to help people, unless you don't want me to help of course. Although I got shattered thanks to that incident, I managed to rebuild myself again. Because my father has showed me that life is filled with many surprises.

And I want to be proud that I managed to meet all of you too. Please don't make me remember you as someone who wishes to die. Who wishes that life will end early. It breaks my heart so bad to see people like this.

Just... please be thankful with what you have. You want to end your life so much, have you ever thought about those around you, those who love you? Have you ever thought about me? I can safely say I tried to help you fix yourself, but I can't seem to be able to do it.

If you want to die so much, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO!?
WHY WON'T YOU!? Just SPARE me from all the pain seeing you like this already!
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME TELLING YOU THAT I WANT TO DIE JUST BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SO SMALL? HAVE YOU? TELL ME HAVE YOU?

Sometimes, I just feel like not bothering anymore. Really. Have I been too nice? Too strong? I hardly cry over my own situations, but over people's. I hate hate HATE feeling as though I CANNOT help you with whatever it is you're going through.

HOW AM I TO HELP WHEN EVERY HELP I'VE TRIED GIVING, YOU DON'T LISTEN?
YOU ONLY LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

"I want to die... I want to die..."
Why don't you?
Just go.
Now.

Because if you're never going to wake up, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE. What SHIT it is that plugged your brain has got to go, because it's depriving you of happiness. You never see things the brighter side, don't you?

I don't know what to say any longer.
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T HELP YOU,
WHY THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU NEED ME HERE?

Now leave me.
Leave me to wallow in my own despair and grief.
And it's all thanks to these bullshit of people that I have met.
As much as I love you all, you people are the ones that bring me down too.
But I don't hate you.
I don't hate unless necessary.
Please show me that you can change...
Please...

Or do you want me to die with you?
Don't worry.
I will die with you.

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6:48 PM