Forever young.

soundtracks to my soul ♥

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e-mail: zhafhiey@hotmail.com
MSN: ixixy@hotmail.com

MIYAVI, my hero.
He changed my life, he cleaned me up, he found my heart like only HE can. He made me discover myself, he's my drive, my inspiration, my voice, my soul, my song, my heart, my hero. ♥ I don't think I can ever have built a passion and found a dream if I had never found him. He makes my day each time, and every song he has written is etched in my mind, my heart and my soul. I am very protective of this man because I don't like people making fun of whoever it is that has left an impact in my life. He is all I need right now to keep me going to achieve my dreams. And don't be jealous that a guy in magenta nail polish can get more chicks than you.

GERARD WAY, the first.

He is undeniably an awesome person with a wonderful personality. He is always all-smiles and not forgetting he has a lovely smile. Whoever fails to love this man fails so much, because they are definitely blind. I knew him before I knew Miyavi, and he did the first few jobs to straightening my life out before handing it all over to him. He got married to someone else already, but I am happy for him, of course I am (: He has been the bestest there is for the past 2 years I was obsessed over him.

BILL KAULITZ, my porcupine.
Bill makes awesome music and he, although young, is very talented and expressive. Miyavi is more expressive than he is, but hey! Bill just turned 19, and he definitely has a long way to go. He earned success through hard work and diligence, and for that, I love him to bits. He hasn't really done anything to change my life, but he's wonderful nonetheless. And yes, it's a he. A guy who happens to have long hair so you people think he's a girl. A guy whose face is effeminate and prettier than all you other guys out there. You're just jealous that a guy in black nailpolish can earn more chicks than you, just like Miyavi.

WILLIAM BECKETT, my laughing gas.

He's cute, I know. He's funny, even more. He's tall, has a great smile, wonderful personality, great sense of humor, wonderful singing voice, he's so... wow. I am not in love with him, but I pretty much look up to him and his group of friends, which includes oddities like Chislett, Mike Carden, Sisky and The Butcher to always make me feel better on days I'm feeling quite blue. They never fail to slap a smile onto my face because they are awesome and funny like that. Whoever has not seen these guys in action, but go and watch them ASAP because they. are. the. shiz. Great humourous bunch of people, who make awesome music as well. Who can't possibly love them!?

JOE JONAS, satisfaction
People who know me well, know damn well I do not like this guy. I don't even like him now, I'm just in this for the thrill. So yea, I don't hate him as much as I used to, but I don't like him much either. But, I'll have you know he's a damn good kisser and I should know, yes, I should know. And his saliva tastes like cherry/mint. No, don't even ask. Oooo, scandalous. And I just thought that after everything that happened, he deserved at least a mention for satisfying my lust.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

To every one of my friends;
I'm sorry if I have been heartless these past few days.
I'm sorry if it seemed as though I don't care, and I seem more withdrawn than usual.
If I seem sad, as if there's no emotion running through me, just know that it's normal.
It's just that, at this point of time, I don't have my heart with me.
Apparently, someone stole it, and it seems impossible for me to get it back.

For one, he's too far away now, I can't reach him.
Second, if he were to give it back, would I even be able to accept it?
No, because he would probably have smashed EVERY SINGLE FEELING OF MINE FLAT ONTO THE FLOOR. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just feel empty now.

---

Haha, Sharm, even I can't put it into my head yet.
I know I saw it coming, but you ask "Why? Why do I still continue this?"
Is that a question which I have to answer? Because for sure, I can't seem to find the answer to that.

I spoke to Wendy about it.
She sees him as "perfect". Which to me, seems true too.
It's almost impossible that I have actually met someone like him.
He's just different.

And I told her what I found out too.

And she told me,
"Wow, the perfect man. I didn't expect that. But still, that doesn't stop you from making friends with him. You must never lose contact with him, ever. He's a great guy. It'd be a shame to let him pass."

I think what she says is true.
But even so, if I were to let go, it'd be too hard on me. If I were to hold on, it'd break me, badly.
I guess it was wrong of me to pour every single feeling of mine into him.
I can feel what he's feeling, and thanks to you, the days have been rainy now. Even if it does not, I can still drown myself into songs that tell my feelings at the moment.
Wait, that is IF I even had feelings.

He's special. Too special.
But this will come to no good end.

Nobody really understands what I really feel for you.
Everyone, except for maybe Atiqah.
Everyone else goes all "HAHA OBSESSED" or "Oi, fangirl".
Atiqah teases me the same way, but deep down, she knows what I am feeling.
Why do you think then, out of all my bebehs, I call HER my "wifey"?
The rest of you can live with your assumptions.

"You just think you're in love."
A good friend of mine said that.
Makes me wonder, if this is really love that I'm feeling.
Obsession? How do you tell it apart from love.
Other than my usual "I wanna launch/hug/bite him" and whatever other remarks, no, I don't mean what I say. I say that when I am actually feeling happy, which is kind of once in a while for now. I actually care. And I don't care WHAT, WHO, and WHY he is what he is, I accept him with open arms.

"I don't even know what you see in him."
Well, yes, of course you don't. Because you're not me. I can't put into words what I see in him. There's something, but I can't say what. I don't know. He's special to me like how your boyfriend is special to you. Those comments being passed around about his flaws. He's soft, he's sissy, he's gay... Do I look like I care? No, I don't. I don't even care if he hurts me one way or another, I can't even be bothered if he actually hates me. I have to live with it, and as a friend, instead of telling me about how much he sucks, should actually help me get over him. Console me. Make me happy. Don't hurt me worse than the state I already am in.

I can't live without him like how you can't live without your boyfriends.
The only way that I'm able to stay so stable is that he's the legs to my table, and if he were to break, I'd fall on my FACE.
Which is close to happening now.
But I'm always going to make it feel like I don't need him as much as I really need him.

I need to concentrate on my studies now.
Which I have been doing *pats self*
I shall put you aside for now, but you're never totally off my mind.

This is totally not the Shafiqah I know.
I used to be so happy. Oh look at me now, filled with so much melancholy.
I used to be so emotionally strong.
It was a big mistake to pour my whole heart out into you, huh.

"Hiding your true emotion behind a mask. A facade."

I remembered that being said just now.

However, I want everyone to know that I will not commit such a stupid thing as to cut myself, or tell everyone that life sucks and I'm better off dead.

Life fucks us all in the ass time and time again, so just deal with it.

Maybe we'll turn it around cause it's
Not too late.
It's never too late.

9:26 PM